Gotta fill the void....

I signed up for soccer. 

my first game is tomorrow....or today rather, at 7pm. I am soooooooooo out of shape. I haven't played this sport in over 8 years, or more, who knows!! but I'm doing it. 

wish me luck :)

.......for some reason I don't think that it will be like this, tis a shame, really.

I am happy

Lately I've been really happy. I don't know why. I haven't finished everything or even close to everything I need to do for school. I haven't been saving much money....but life is good. It really is. I just get so sick and tired of being sick and tired....so I am changing like the weather. Summer is around the corner and I'm awaiting an amazingly great one. It will be one of the last ones I experience in Ontario /w my friends. I'm pretty excited. 

The reality of leaving is passing and now I'm focused more so on enjoying what is happening NOW. Fuck the future, FUCK the past even harder!!! I just need to worry about the present; me right here, right now....and I love it! 

I also like a new man. I know this tends to happen quite frequently....then I ruin them. However, this situation is different. I don't know how I know, but I do. I'm so sick of looking at all my flaws and making excuses for my actions. All things happen for a reason, I preach it daily....so now it is time to start living it. I trust in the universe and I trust in the sun.....it just happened to shower /w  a RAY! ;) YEAH!!!

I am one happy bitch and he is one lucky bastard!!!!

May flowers.....

I didn't go anywhere this weekend, but it was KICK ASS nonetheless. I made tons of cool memories that will never be replaceable. The May long weekend is always shitty and cold. So, I never go away. I just hung out around my home town and that was good enough for me. 

I want to mention highlight events but instead I think I'd rather keep this weekend for me alone :) Ahhhh, welcome summer!!

Work work work work work......I feel like a "k"row

So, I worked on thursday.....for 9 goddamn hours!!! I thought I was going to die!!! and maybe I didn't physically drop dead, but emotionally and mentally I definitely gave up. However, I made you guys some videos below :) So hopefully they will suffice :P

I like the pic below b/c my tits actually look huge!!!! YAY me!


I worked a lot this week. Basically b/c I am due for my period soon and I needed to get back into SAVE $$ mode. For most of the week I was hating my life b/c of my job. Then on Friday I tried to take myself back to what it was like when I first began dancing. I tried not to think about the money. I just tried to have fun....and FUN it was!!! I had such a good time during that shift. 

First off I got to make out /w Madison; a dancer that in my opinion is so fucking HOT! We raped gentlemen for lots of money together and it was nice to give her my attention instead of gross old men. 

Then, RAY came in :) who is BY FAR my favourite customer EVER!!!! he is so nice and always pays me just to sit and talk /w him. He also makes jokes about how he's "putting me through school" which makes me laugh. He also sends me text msgs during my shift so I may just smile and cheer up when my job gets me down. He is just a really nice guy. I suppose he is just my favourite b/c he is the exception to all of my generalizations regarding the customers. I like to think I am the exception to stripper stereotypes so it works well :)

ALSO! I got to do my first birthday ever! where Madison and I got to write dirty things all over the man of the hour, beat his bare ass with his own belt, public humiliate him and make him crawl around on stage /w me on his back. FUN FUN FUN!!!!

By the time the night was over I couldn't care less how much I had made b/c it was actually a pleasure to have worked :) AND when I counted my money I wasn's disappointed, but proud. YES!!! Suzie's mental state is BACK and strong!!!

HERE is ME on Thursday prior to work......

I said I'd take pics.......so here you GO!!!

NO MAKE UP!!! (before work)

MADE UP!! (ready for work)

I like the vids below.......so watch them DAMMIT!!!

Me After WORK........my one eyebrow is so much higher than the other LOL!

EVERYONE WANTS TO OBJECTIFY ME........so why allow it??

All of a sudden I started to get scared about life. I don't know why, I never have before....but now, it is almost certain that I am frightened. I suppose it is b/c I should've saved a lot more money than I have....but then one could argue that there is still time left and I could save a lot more. Another reason is that everything seems to be changing, and big changes at that. It seems like I'm moving backwards while going forward. I want to be able to do lots of things but I also need to show restraint and SAVE my dollars for school. Getting into school is kinda stressful, I thought I was done. Not knowing what it is going to be like, what the people will be like, what the town will be like, what my living space will be like. The unknown is the only common factor I suppose. Not knowing something drives me insane!!! 

Work has also been getting to me....and getting to me so much so, that it has become like so many other jobs I've had in the past; a chore. Dancing on stage will always be fun for me, but dancing for men, not so much. I don't know how to fake pleasure anymore. I don't like anyone touching me either, so in my profession that proves difficult. I can only hope that some nice regulars of some new idiots /w lots of cash come in tonight and make my job easy and pleasurable. CROSSING MY FINGERS!!

In spite of everything I have experienced in my life to date, stripping is by far the worst choice I have ever made. The job drains me, the people are plastic and I feel sick knowing I am nothing more than one of them. Lesson learned.  

Say you love me, then throw me a bone :P

sometimes one has to ask themselves; when is enough, enough?? 

I did today and the answer was NOW!

I'm done, finished, done! I am no longer allowing/tolerating negative people in my life. I'm so sick of it. It brings me down, let's me zone in on the negatives and focus and thus attract only bad in my life. I've had enough!

I just got home from work. It wasn't busy until just prior to me leaving. I didn't want to stay there any longer than I already had. There was potential money there but it only came in old man packages. I don't enjoy dancing for old men.....kinda gross actually, if you think about it. I suppose some people have their price, but I still have a preference. 

I danced for a nice individual today named .....to be honest, I don't even know. He was nice, kinda hot b/c of his nice blue eyes, and 30....so a good age for hotness levels ;) I had a hard time getting into it at first b/c his stern look made me nervous. I actually think he knew that I was talking to his brain /w mine.....those are my favourite ones; the ones who know what I'm thinking. I think a lot of dirty things while I'm dancing for someone that makes me love my job. It's hot when you can be thinking of anything, they'll never know. lol. SOme guys are nicer to dance for.... I tried really hard to think about what attributes I enjoyed in a customer, but I can't isolate it. All I could come up /w was this.....

Someone who could see who I really was, but chose to get me naked anyways......

I think I like it b/c it turns me on that I know have all control.  I'll never let them be /w me then. I like the satisfaction of how excited they are to get me naked, how the lust after the mere idea of it.......mean while b/c I know then that b/c that is all I am to them, I don't have to care about them anymore. I would never sleep /w someone that I've danced for[PERIOD].

I suppose that's kinda sick and twisted...but it turns me on nonetheless. 

Worked sucked b/c I only got to dance for one of those. the rest were just assholes that wanted to see pussy. DRUNK lunatics if you ask me :P

I found my camera....now if only I could find my head.

suzie: I miss you

james: Awww

james: your breaking my heart

james: lol

james: what's up suz?

suzie: nothing much

suzie: I have to leave for BC in 3 months 

suzie: you??

james: not too much

james: trying to stay outta trouble

suzie: lol

suzie: how's life, how's the gf??

james: meh

james: perfect, i see her once a week

suzie: lol

james: that's more than enough for me

suzie: ya

suzie: I am still single *thumbs up*

suzie: love it

james: lucky

suzie: meh

suzie: sometimes it sucks, but most times it is great

james: still at the gold?

suzie: yes sir, not very often, but yes

james: good stuff

suzie: i like dancing

suzie: you should come see me one day

suzie: ....like tonight :)

james: jamie went to somewhere in mississauga

james: lol

suzie: jamie ??

james: catelli's girl

suzie: OH YES

james: used to work at the gold too

suzie: don't repeat this james....

james: never shuts up

james: nice girl though

suzie: but she is the STUPIDEST girl I've ever met

suzie: very nice though yes

james: lol

suzie: idiot though

james: who would i repeat that too, catelli already knows

suzie: LOL

suzie: ya so you should come in

james: lol

james: I'm not much into the rippers

suzie: I know

suzie: but it is fun to laugh at someone you know

james: A stripper stole my wallet once

suzie: damn bitches

james: yup

james: dirty indians

suzie: ya I don't really fit in there at all

james: that's probably a good thing

suzie: lol, true

suzie: oh! I went to california

suzie: and met steven tyler

james: nice, fun stuff

james: no liv though eh?

james: sexy ass elf

suzie: no :(

suzie: where are you?

james: i'm at home

suzie: I would've raped her most likely

suzie: nice, still at the same place??

james: you and me both sister

james: nope

james: new place

suzie: nice

james: yeah, it's alright

suzie: I do miss you

suzie: kinda sucks

james: still at home for you?

suzie: lol

suzie: damn straight

suzie: gotta save all the money I can

james: more money for bc i s'pose

suzie: ya, besides why move out when I'm moving out in 3 months??

james: yup

suzie: I made it though!

suzie: living /w the mom 

james: yeah

james: my brother still lives at home, he's just not there when my moms there

suzie: lol

james: works out pretty well

suzie: true

james: plus they're away every weekend

suzie: ahh yes

james: so it turns to the party house

suzie: whens that hot tub party happening??

james: lol

james: as soon as we get a hottub

suzie: *blush* lol

james: that'd be sweet

suzie: that it would

suzie: so are you working??

james: cottage is opening up this weekend in st. kitts, the hot tub would be handy

suzie: I thought there was one somewhere!

james: i wonder if i can find one on layaway

james: yeh, i'm working as a tree cutter in burlington/oakville

james: $30/hr for 25hrs/week

suzie: nice

james: it works for me

suzie: we should arrange a hang out

james: that might work

suzie: seeing as I live in burlington, which is right next to oakville

suzie: and I work nights

james: yup

james: i see your car in your driveway all the time

suzie: you do?? *blush*

suzie: but I haven't changed much and that might be a lot to take in :P

james: i think

suzie: yes sir

james: unless i was looking at the wrong house

james: not likely though, i have a memory like an elephant

suzie: well no one else has a shitty white cavalier

suzie: lol

james: not in burlington

suzie: oh james 

suzie: no, I guess not..

james: lot's in hammer town though

suzie: ya true......so you're just at home then?

james: yup

james: basking in all my naked glory

james: lol

suzie: nice

suzie: I'll be getting paid to do that later this evening

james: not a bad deal

suzie: well I don't enjoy doing it.....but I can do it

suzie: sam stopped talking to me b/c of it

james: lol

suzie: told me I sucked.....I'm better than that.....blah blah blah

james: sam's a bit much

suzie: ya, honestly.... people are going to judge

suzie: but where else can you make over $100/hr??

james: microsoft?

suzie: lol

suzie: perhaps hmmmm

suzie: maybe they need hot girls to motivate the nerds

james: although they'll probably try to get you to put your clothes back on

suzie: lol as long as they pay...that's fine

james: this is true

suzie: lol

suzie: you are too much

james: that's what she said

james: lol

james: i had too

suzie: lol

suzie: oh my!

suzie: I have so much shit to do

james: yup

suzie: blah!

james: i haven't changed much either

suzie: i can see that

suzie: you are still a nice guy trying to be an ass

james: and you still don't know me too well

suzie: I know you are nice

james: sometimes

suzie: most times

james: depends on who you ask though

suzie: true enough

suzie: but to me you were always nice

suzie: and I appreciate that

suzie: b/c I'm sensitive

james: lol

james: really?!!?

suzie: *furrow*

james: i never noticed....

suzie: lol ok ok enough

suzie: we get it!

suzie: so you've been in this relationship for a while now eh??

suzie: that's impressive

james: almost a year

suzie: nice

james: it's boring

suzie: ya relationships are

james: yup

james: ah well

suzie: they have there perks

james: i don't have time to go out chasing tail atm

suzie: lol

suzie: chasing tail....please

james: gotta finish my cougar skin cape

suzie: LOL

suzie: oh james, you haven't changed

suzie: but ya......so tonight

suzie: I'll see you at work :P

suzie: .....or not

james: maybe

james: i'm usually hiding up in ntree's

suzie: at night??

james: no, tonight i'm in st. kitts

suzie: ahh yes

james: landscaping

suzie: sweet

suzie: well I have to get going, I have tons to do 

james: cool

suzie: gotta sign up for soccer :P

james: take it easy suz, nice talking to you again

suzie: ya you too

james: fun stuff

suzie: always a pleasure James

james: beat the opants off melissa

james: i'll pay

suzie: lol

suzie: done

james: lol

suzie: ok later gator 

james: peace

some people are weird....I assure you I'm NOT one of them....

So my friend who I made that deal /w got really pissed off when I said "EW" about sleeping /w him. So I thought I'd try and explain why that is:

For one, I am really not one to judge people based solely on their looks. I actually tend to make out /w, date, etc guys that others are always saying "he isn't that hot" however, personality goes a long way for me, kindness goes a long way for me....but more so than anything else COMPATIBILITY goes far. I'm an energy lover. I could fall in love /w someone with out even seeing them or talking to them. I really just crave that soul connection. I do NOT have that /w him. I actually think that due to our arguments, the way he handles the situation and the mean, RUTHLESS comments he makes towards me were enough to void that option long ago. I'm not trying to be mean about it b/c I really honestly and truly value our friendship. 

What I don't really understand is how someone can believe that reacting badly and mean to a situation like that can expect anything less. It's been well over a year of him trying to fuck me and me saying no. I don't know how else to react except say EWWWWWW!

However, I would like to write a list of things I DO enjoy about our relationship so perhaps he can understand that I do care LOADS about him.....

• I like that he is sneaky like myself and can usually get things to bend his way (unless he is trying to bend me :P) 
• I enjoy our long drives together.
• I love that we live so close to each other and that we can smoke a joint together with out awkward silence or paranoia. 
• I like that when it actually comes down to my well being, he is always reliable.
• I like hanging out when we ignore the sex issue.
• Even though I hate to admit it, I like his lame ass jokes. 
• I like his rush impersonation.
• I like that i can call him a lo"o"ser and he GETS it.
• As much as I hate it, I do get a laugh out of his over reactions...even though sometimes they are ri-DICK-ulous!!!
• I like hanging /w his family.
• I think his dad is hot ;)
• I like that he warns every man in my life to run, in which none ever listen and we can usually get hours of evil laughter out of it later on.
• I like that we are similar just as much as I hate it.
• I like that he will listen to me talk for hours and hours and always still have a comment, proving that he did care what I had to say.
• I like that he brought me into his group of friends and that we all now get along.
• I like that he sends me mean text msgs out of nowhere so when I'm /w Alyssa we can say "HE"S CRAZY" and laugh all day long.
• I like that he supplies me /w my love/hate relationship fix. Mainly b/c it reminds me of all of my ex's (we basically "stop talking" every other day)
• But most of ALL........I love that he has managed to remain my friend even though he isn't getting his way. I know that would be really hard for me to deal /w so I appreciate it even more. 

PS: NO....we are still not going to sleep together, but thanks BUDDY!!!!!!!! love ya!

I lost my camera again!!!

I don't know why I loose everything...perhaps it is b/c I am so messy, perhaps it is b/c I am forgetful, but more than likely it is b/c I just don't have it :( Oh well. I suppose one could rely solely on their writing skills.....ya...writing "skills" LOL

So, today is Monday....I'm sick of mondays being so boring. So if you wouldn't mind can you please inform me of what you'd like me to write about. I am asking only b/c I have writers block. I don't know what to say on here anymore. Anything I write is mundane and pointless. Who really cares what I'm up to?? most of you sick pervs only come here to look for topless pics, and don't lie b/c site meter tells ALL!!!!

Tonight is "ROCKSTAR" Kareoke (sp?) at the cool bar where I live and you get to be the front man for the old band MOIST! WOOHOOO! Last week I sung some Radiohead. I like Thom Yorke. Anyway, last week I also did some perks. I don't like to talk about drugs but recently my friends started giving me hassles about my perk intake. I haven't done them that many times but since being back from Cali I've had at least 3 nights where they definitely played a helpful role in the FUN category. 

So this Saturday I made an agreement /w one of my best buds ......basically I told him that if he let me do them one last time I wouldn't touch them again until 2009!!!! IF I did get caught doing them, the penalty was that I would have to fuck him. EW! So, that was enough, I don't do them anymore THOUGH I would like to say that they are fun. HOWEVER, perks have oxycotton in them and are in the opiate family (which heroin falls into) so they are extremely addictive. I know I'm not addicted but perhaps there are some of you that are....

Many people get addicted to pain killers and prescription drugs. Sometimes they won't even realize they are, they may try to create pain that isn't there or become obsessed /w using them as a recreational drug due to their cheap value and long lasting effects. It basically numbs your body and produces an overload of dopamine in your brain (it is similar to cocaine in that respect) If you think you'd like to read more.....do so

I am just gonna stick to weed. YAY for hippie chicks :)

So it's Mother's Day....

This is what I got from her......

Hi Guys;
I know you are all missing me on Mother's Day!! So enjoy your day off this year.  We have been very busy.  We climbed up Airport Mesa, one of the vortexes. It was nice.
We went to a Reiki Learning center and got on the spot Sound Healing with a crystal goblet, cool.  She gave us power stones to wear until Wednessday, when we come back for our Reiki treatment and Past Life Regression sessions.  We had our Aura picture taken and read.  Visited lots of interesting New Age shops then went to Walgreen's for Mike's Hard Lemonade,Yum!
Went to the Meteor Crater yesterday and the Lowell Observatory last night and saw Saturn and its' rings-neat.
We are heading out to the Grand Canyon today-if we ever get our shit together(Karen's comment).  Hope all is going well.
Love you all.  Mom

mom's are great!!!!